Quotes for a rainy day

So when you are feeling down and dreary, here are some great quotes by a man I greatly admire, Swami Vivekananda. He was an inspiration to a whole generation of Indians who were enboldened to fight for their freedom. His words are beautiful. They are so very positive. Here are 3 quotes to take with you. :)

"...the whole world has been made by the energy of man, by the power of enthusiasm, by the power of faith".

"It is a tremendous error to feel helpless. Do not seek help from anyone. We are our own help. If we can not help ourselves, there is none to help us".

"All power is in you, you can do anything and everything. Believe in that, do not believe that you are weak...Stand up and express the divinity with you".

Expectations and Suffering

The ancient people of Bharat/India pondered the deeper recesses of human psychology in tandem with religion. The one known as "The Physician", the Lord Buddha focused on trying to understand the human condition known as suffering. To simplify his statements is a dis-service, but for the sake of this blog I will suggest that his findings were that desire caused suffering.

There is an old passage in the Upanishads that says the following:

You are what your deep driving desire is,
as your desire is, so is your will
as your will is, so is your deed
as your deed is, so is your destiny.

The Vedantists clearly saw desire as the driving force of what occurs, for in the end it is ones desire that creates the "Cause" that will create the "Effect" (basic Karma).

Lord Buddha went further and suggested that suffering itself is therefore caused by such desire. If there is no desire, there is no expectation, and therefore suffering ceases to be.

Which brings me to me (hey, I didn't say this was a selfless post did I? You expect too much! :p). I have realized that one of the biggest changes that has occurred in me is my expectations have changed. I have always been very demanding of myself, that has not changed, but I think I have come to realize that this expectation is the cause of my suffering as of late, because of a lack of the ability to reach my expectations. Perhaps it is lame to just say "hey, dont expect so much...being 'normal' is ok" but, well, I'm not normal, and I'm not satisfied with being ordinary, so is the suffering not worth it? Is it not better to be sad because of loss of satisfaction, then to be content with less? If this was the only problem, I guess it would be easy to solve, for it would only affect me.

But, when there is a disease, there are symptoms. "The Physician" would point out that I have come to expect too much from others as well now. The major difference between me now, and me...say...6 years ago, was that I expected very little from people...and in that sense, I was never disappointed, and therefore did not suffer. This is a symptom. The symptom is caused by the disease within me. I have expected so much from me for so long, and those expectations have not been met. I have violently punished myself for a lack of satisfaction, and my expectation put on others is symptomatic of this desire to punish myself. "The Physician" would say "'ease your chest". With the easing of your chest will come the release of the pent up desire that is causing your suffering.

The Lord Buddha would also say "all things are impermanent, change is inevitable, strive with diligence". He would tell me that I am letting "the Architect" run my life; letting him create too many houses that are only meant to be used as my prison, as my tomb, as my coffin. He would say the same thing that Darwin would say: "those who learn to adapt to an ever changing situation are those who will survive".

So in the end, if I want to minimize my suffering, I must minimize my expectation...or at the very least, focus it, so the symptom of expecting too much from others' is drowned. Suffering is more often than not caused by ones' own desires...this does not mean that one has not been "wronged" or that others are exonerated of their malfeasance...but at least one does not have to suffer it. You don't have to forgive, but you can certainly "forgetaboutit" as some campy stereo-typical Italian hitman would say. lol

That may not be "happiness", but at least its "contentment". In the end, "contentment" is the least one should allow oneself to enjoy. Once that is been determined, the path to happiness, and bliss can be more easily viewed, since ones energy can be more readily focused. :)

Rabindranath Tagore's Prayer

Give me strength.
This is my prayer to thee, my lord - strike,
strike at the root of penury in my heart.
Give me the strength lightly to bear my joys
and sorrows.
Give me the strength to make my love fruitful
in service.
Give me the strength never to disown the poor
or bend my knees before insolent might.
Give me the strength to raise my mind high
above daily trifles.
And give me the strength to surrender my
strength to thy will with love.

Diwali: The Return of the King

So today, Saturday, is my favorite holiday: Diwali. I mean no disrespect to the notions of other holidays, of whatever religious system they come from, but I can not imagine any day being more important than Diwali. It truly symbolizes to me the greatest day.

Diwali is known as the "Festival of Lights". It is not just a holiday in the Astika tradition, but also in the Nastika traditions like Jainism, and Sikhism (though it can be argued that Sikhism is Astika, but that is for a different day). It is the day when Lord Rama returns from his Jungle exile after killing the evil-King Ravana (but in true Dharmic tradition, Ravana was not really evil, but rather his pride and power had corrupted him).

Since Lord Rama is considered one of the avatara's of Vishnu, and since the Ramayana is considered an Itihasa but with allegorical concepts where Lord Rama is portrayed as the "Righteous Man", it is safe to say that Diwali is one of the most holy and important days in the Dharmic traditions.

And in that vane it is not surprising to know that Diwali is celebrated by billions all over the World. Not just by Hindus, Sikhs, Jains etc. in India, and the Desi Diaspora, but also in Buddhist Thailand, in Muslim Malaysia, in Communist Viet-Nam, and Cambodia etc. The story of Lord Rama is arguably the most popular religious story in the World. Even the Chinese, with their Monkey King stories share in the victory of Lord Rama, for Hanuman (who the Monkey King is based on) was his most trusted ally and soldier.

For Sikhs, Diwali is also important as it was the day Sri Guru Hargobindji was released from Gwalior prison. He told the Mughal emperor that he would only leave if the other 52 unjust prisoners were released as well. The Emperor responded that he could take with him only "those who could hold onto his robes". Thus a special robe with 52 threads was made, and all 53 prisoners walked out.

For Jains, Diwali is considered the day when the Mahavira Jina reaches Moksha.

Thus, in all three traditions, as well as other traditions, Diwali is celebrated as the victory of "good over evil". Lights and lamps are lit as a sign of hope for mankind. Fireworks are often lit as well.

Diwali is also considered the Hindu "New Year's Day" (though it must be said that many of the sub-ethnicities have other days as well...for example, Punjabis consider April 13th to be their New Years as well), and thus, much like how Lord Rama's return is a culmination of his "exile", so Diwali is a celebration of the end of one year, and the beginning of another.

Growing up, I loved (and still do!) going to my cousins' place and lighting candles all over the house, after we lit up our place. Unfortunately this had to be preceeded by a house-cleaning (which wasn't always as much fun! lol). We would set off fire-crackers, or light the house, and just have fun all together. We would get presents, which for a kid, was ALWAYS a good thing.

Moreover, what Indian kid doesn't remember growing up and watching the Ramayana. ALL 52 hours of it!!! Twenty-six, 2-hour episodes of pure magic they were to me. Watching Lord Rama accept exile. Watching Sri Hanuman fight in Sri Lanka. Seeing the Bandaras join Lord Rama's army (watching the first ever human-reported assassination!). Watching Lord Rama tell Lakshman "to kneel beside him as he lays dieing" after killing Ravana, for he knew that Ravana deep down was a wise man who could impart much knowledge during his last moments of life.

The Ramayana (or as the Thai call it the Ramakien) was part magic/myth, part culture, part great story telling, part religion and part spirituality.

Now that I'm much older, I think I recognize the value and importance of this holiday even more. Lord Rama is the righteous King, a King who rules by the law of Dharma (or as the founding fathers of America called it: "the Laws of Nature, and Natures Law").

It is Dharma that this World needs now. Corporate greed-induced wars, are not Dharma. Self-indulgence is not Dharma. Unjust violence is not Dharma. Using Love as a form of Hatred is not Dharma. Forced conversions are not Dharma. Domestic Violence is not Dharma. Suicide Bombing is (usually) not Dharma. Rampant Consumerism is not Dharma. The World is full of a-Dharma, and the ways of the a-Dharmic belief-systems (a- being a Sanskrit prefix to denote something that is counter to the subject), and on this Diwali, as the new year dawns, let us remember that good must triumph, and that Dharma must be restored. Let us hope and pray that this year, the King will slay the evil Ravana, and return again. :)

Promise of the Blue-skinned God

When the stars are falling down
from the firmament above
and the tides are rising high
to fall hard upon the Earth

I will be there to love you.

When the volcanoes begin to spew
fire from the deep
and pigs begin to walk
on wings instead of feet.

I will be there to love you.

As the drums begin to roar
a war-time renaissance
and hatred shows its ugly face
casts its hands upon the stone

I will be there to love you.

Trust in me, oh beloved
Heaven is not so far away.
Believe in me, my beloved
and I will return to you one day.

And then the righteous will march
their way out from Shambala,
with bayonets of love
with armor protected by the soft
coating of the holy waters of Ganga itself
with a bottle of amrit in their pocket
ready to be used so they can continue
to march for the glory of my law.

Till then, my beloved
strive to be your best
without thoughts of fruit on your mind
yoke your desires, and focus them
you will be surprised what you find

For every path leads to me,
since I am all that which is,
and this
I promise you beloved
if you live life believing in me,
you will attain eternal bliss.

Kahani Rani

Kya baath hai, Bull-shit Rani
come a little closer dear,
so I can hear another kahani
and be forced to hide away these tears.

I never wanted you, that is a fact
and yet I let you into my life.
I regret letting you stab me in the back
by handing you the knife.

And now all this strife, that fills my days
and all your mysterious scheisty ways
have hurt me to my core.
I suppose you gave me my wish, I wanted space
I suppose you look at it as just a faze
but in the end I was left hungry for more.

It felt like magic
those warm spring nights
but now I know I was just being enchanted

It felt fantastic
and oh so very right
and the universe never felt so expansive

What do you do when your dream
has become a nightmare
What do you say when the one you loved
only fills you up with hate now.

So what do you say, Kahani Rani
tell me another story girl.
I'm all ears, my dear,
have no fear, and steer,
this faithful loving man
off the cliff of insecurity again.

For that is what you do best princess
so that is what your role must be
tell me another story
Kahani Rani,
and while you do,
I will be spinning
another tale:
The story of You.

"Hell-bent"

So in 2000-2001 there came out a short-movie by Mark Osborne called "More". The song "Hell-bent" by Kenna was added to the movie and it became the songs music video. It is one of the most clever, deep and amazing music videos I have ever seen. Everytime I'm feeling really, really down I go straight to it, and it rejuvenates me. Such is its power (on me at least)!

I would like to share this video with all of you, and I hope you can see its SHEER GENIUS as I do. The movie itself is amazing, and with the haunting music and voice of "Kenna" it works perfectly!

It is a bit hard to see, as the video is dark in general, but stick with it, and you won't be disappointed. I have attached the link here below. :)

"Hell Bent" by Kenna

Decisions and Regret

It is a sort of irony to me that most people consider me to be a "decider". I suppose the irony lays in the fact that I am quite dichotomous in my personality. I am a strong, secure human being, and with that I am often able to take a leadership role without succumbing to pressure.

In fact, more often than not, I revel in it. When we play sports, I want to be the pitcher. When we play basketball, I love being the point guard, and when we play American football, I love being the "go-to" guy. Some may consider this vanity, but I assure you it is not. It is my underlying and innate personality to always take the responsibility. I am a very duty-bound person, and whenever things go wrong, I am always the first to take the blame...even if it's not my fault.

So, I suppose in many ways it isn't wrong to consider me a "take-charge" kind of person, but those who know me realize I only act that way when I feel I need to. I do it as a sense of duty, rather than a sense of ego. When others' are capable, I am more than comfortable entrusting my faith to a strong leader.

And in relationships that is true too. I am very polite. I suppose that is my parents fault. I was taught that one should always consider other peoples feelings and need before mine. Their self-sacrifice for my brother and I have always been an icon to me.

But moreso, when it comes to innately essential decisions, "life decisions", I suppose would be a good phrase, I am terrible at making them. I fear and avoid them like the plague. Years ago when I was getting burnt out of law school, I decided to go do my MBA...clearly a great example of my most widely-used "ego defense mechanism": Avoidance. When I had to decide whether I wanted to study Finance or Marketing, I chose both...again, I avoided the decision. When I had to decide if I wanted to go back and finish law school, or risk having to start much of the process over, I just let time expire. I suppose that is a decision unto itself, but in my mind, that decision was never really made.

So it is ironic I think that someone who, when he feels he is needed, is capable of making decisions, but when the "Big stuff" comes along, I avoid things. I suppose that is one of my biggest weaknesses.

A great example of this is what I went through these last 3 months. I went out with a girl a couple of times, I thought things went along great, and she told me she thought so too. She also told me she wasn't comfortable dating yet, as she just came off a divorce, and that she hoped that I would be ok with that. Truth is, I really was. What I've gone through these last 18 months is something I've never dealt with before, or rather more accurately, not at the SCALE I've had to deal with it. Everyone dates, everyone breaks up, and everyone has to deal with these decisions (if in fact you are the one who broke up...or even if you are not, it is still a matter of the choices you made that led up to that moment). The unique nature of my past relationship (last year), made me so very averse to dating or anything.

So when she said she wanted to "take things slower" (and I must admit, we hit it off SOO well, that it kind of scared me too), and that she wanted to "hang out some first until she felt more comfortable dating again" I was cool with it. True, these last couple of years I have not acted like that secure, strong individual I used to be, but deep down I'm still (like they used to say back in the Albany days) J-E-E-T-A-N S-A-R-E-E-N! All my recent petulance, and impatience, and general self-doubt was suddenly supressed. I was myself again, because here came along something that I wanted SOO BADLY that I made sure to put the energy and focus into making sure I was ME...the real ME.

And I was like a rock to her. It is in fact what I felt (and still feel) she needed (needs). I only asked one favor from her: just make sure I don't feel strung along. I was willing to, and DID, give her as much freedom and space as she needed. I can not imagine (and don't want to) the psychological scars that a divorce causes. Moreso, I can't imagine the shame one must feel when it happens to an Indian girl. But I did empathize, and I did care, enough to make sure whatever space she needed she would have, and that when it was time to need me (whether she wanted to hang out, or just call, or just text/email) that I would be there for her like a rock. Like the person I really am...not this shell that I have become in the last 2 years.

So 6 weeks passed, and I would get emails or calls or texts from her most days (at least 4-5 a week). She'd tell me about how she moved, or how her mom visited, or how she had to decide between job offers, or about how she went to this concert, or about how she visited that museum, or how she was going to go visit her friend. And for 6 weeks I was genuinely happy to see her happy. She seemed so glad to be able to share such things with me. I may not have been apart of them, but she wanted to make sure I knew of them, and knew of her. Even though we weren't seeing much of each other, I was secure in knowing that she was happy, and that sharing that happiness with ME was important to her.

But after 6 weeks it is hard to just be content in hearing about things, and when you like someone, you want to be a PART of it. And only after 6 weeks did I finally say that to her. She was apologetic, but said that I should call her whenever I'm in the city. This of course basically meant that (even though she promised to 6 weeks earlier) she wasnt going to call me when she went out. So we met up at a club for a couple of hours. She was surrounded by a bunch of her friends' and truth is, I felt like an outsider. Not only did I, but my two friends who came with me, were ready to leave within a half hour as they did not really feel very welcome either.

At that point, I should have realized that I was giving WAY more than I was getting. Not that relationships are all about what people "get", in fact, they aren't, but I DO believe in balance, and that when their is a lack of balance, that is when resentment is created. That only causes symptoms, of which can only get worse, not better.

But I trusted her, and with that trust, gave her enough freedom and space and respect to do so. For 4 weeks I'd find any and every excuse to go to the city and to give her a call. And for 4 weeks I heard one excuse or another on why she couldn't meet up. Now I am not going to accuse anyone of anything, but some of these excuses were the lamest. Yet, I persisted...why at that point I continued, I am uncertain. I suppose it goes back to the original point of this post: I lacked the ability to decide to end things. As much as I wanted to just tell her "to hell with you", another part of me, the nurturing, caring side that I was finally able to revive kept telling me "she just needs the time and space, don't rush things, let them happen, she will be able eventually". And in that ambi-valence, I once again AVOIDED making a decision whether to dump her or not.

The worst of course was on September 20th when she told me she had to doggy-sit...hmm, so she has enough time to spare to sit with a dog, but not enough to spend time with me. That in effect WAS the last straw. Looking back at it, that was the point about 500 meters before the sign that says "point of no return". Yet, I waved it off again. Sometimes I think that my heart is just too big for my own good. That I am TOO forgiving, and TOO loving, and TOO caring. I put SO much responsiblity on my shoulders cause...like the Lord Buddha said to his best friend..."I am doing this for EVERYONE". But like I said, I waved it off. She said her brother was visiting that weekend (conveniently right when I was hoping to...but never did...invite her as my date to my friends' wedding), so I was hoping to meet him. I have met her sister and her brother-in-law (not to mention her best friend), and they seem like all great people (well, her brother-in-law seems like a hot-head, but deep down I bet he's a nice guy). I was really looking forward to getting a call from her (not that she said she would, nor did I ask her to), but alas, I wasn't important enough to meet him.

Yet, as usual, I continued to AVOID making a decision, and AVOID a conflict. Most people think I am confrontational, and they aren't completely wrong as I am very idealistic, I believe in the TRUTH (Satyamve Jayate! means The Truth Alone Prevails!), and I will defend the Truth to the death for that is my duty in life (in my opinion). But the reality is I am far from it. I love to avoid most conflicts. I love to play peace-maker, and am an avid believer of non-violence. So at this point I gave her one last chance, but clearly was very ticked off. I texted her (as I was want to do) about hanging out on Wednesday (the 27th) for Trivia Night. She said she couldn't, but her reason was a legitimate one that she had mentioned a month in advance. I dont know, maybe it was the TEN weeks of being strung along, or maybe it was the sting of her doggy-sitting excuse, or the open wound of not being called to meet her brother, but on that Wednesday I decided this was her last chance. I told her I'd be in the city the next day, and she told me she had to watch "Grey's Anatomy". Now, I am a VERY understanding person, and truth is, with the Mets in the playoffs I can certainly understand that sometimes tv shows are just "must do" activities. To her credit, she appeased my hidden (as this was through text) anger by inviting me over. She left a message saying she'd call me tomorrow (for details) and also texted me later that night with the same understanding. There is NO DOUBT that she was supposed to call me the next day, as I really really wanted to see her. At that point there was no longer any expectation. In fact, her invite was the only reason why I didn't dump her there and then that day. For 10 weeks I gave her all the space and freedom she wanted and needed, but sometimes, some people like to take advantage of what they have.

And I guess she is that type of person, perhaps that is why she's divorced to begin with. She didn't call me, and I was fuming! I was so upset that the next day (Friday the 28th), I decided to text her and ask what happened to the call, with the addendum "at this point I feel like I'm just bothering you". It was a clear, candid, and for the most-part level headed assessment of the ground reality. She absolutely flipped out on me. She sent me a nasty email about it. I stayed calm (Wow, I really was myself! I guess if anything I've learned that that real me is still there! Deep inside, but it is still there!). I responded back to her, and asked her to call me. I suppose my approach worked, because when she called she was very apologetic, telling me how she had a fight with her sister the night before. Again, my anger was diffused. She has/had a way of disarming me that NOBODY has ever been able to do to me. She also said she'd call the next day, as there was some Poker game or something that she was going to do.

As usual, as had been the case for 10 weeks, she was obviously just bull-shitting me as usual. Perhaps she is just lost, I will (and it goes to show how I understanding I can be, and how I always love to blame myself) grant her that maybe if i just showed more patience (since 10 weeks was obviously not enough?!) she would have been able to straighten things out. I will also grant that she wants to do "her own thing" right now...but even those who are bad at deciding things have their limits, and 10 week later, it was time to end it.

I guess she must have realized this too, because on Sunday, things were over. I am not upset they ended...cause well, there really wasnt much to them to begin with. I am slightly upset that things didn't work out though, as she really was the type of person I'm looking for in life. But what upsets me most is that we couldn't leave on good terms. I honestly believe that deep down she's a good person, even though she treated me like shit, and that she is lost, confused and is taking those emotions and dealing with them by not wanting to decide (AHA!) and to be free. I respected that very much, but after a while you just have to say..."this person is just too selfish to ever really be worth your time". What upsets me is that we couldn't leave on good terms. I would have loved to eventually be friends with her, or even at the very least, if I saw her on the streets to have a couple of minutes of pleasant chatting...but after 10 weeks of bull-shit that is a sentiment I no longer care to want.

In the end, I did learn valuable lessons though, so I suppose that is good: 1. I need to learn to decide, my habit of avoiding is not healthy. 2. The real me is still "in there". I may be more impatient, colder, and more petulent now, but deep down, the real me is still there, and I am capable of being that person. 3. I should no longer blame myself for everything, and no longer take all responsibility. There is just too much pressure I put on myself.

Hopefully I will learn from this, and my plan is quite simple: for at least a little while there (to see if it is a lesson worth learning), I will no longer make any small decisions, and I will only focus on MAKING the big ones. In the end, that is a lesson that I am long-overdue in learning, and implementing.