Friendship and the New Year

So once again, one calendar is discarded for another, and the Year 2007 has begun. This first week of 2007 has been an amazing learning experience, and more so it has found me contemplating and thinking about many things. It has made me question what friendship means to me, and what I want to do in this world. The latter is not new with me, as I have no f*ing clue what I want out of life, but having to confront the former has given me the impetus I have been missing these last couple of months.

Without getting into details, For the past 10 weeks now I had been (almost daily) posting on the MySpace R&P Forum. A good friend suggested it, and I'm glad she did. It was (is?) great therapy for me. I had lost a lot of faith in 2006, and having to be confronted with people of faith and having to explain mine caused a sort of re-enforcement of it. Having to explain the complexities of it, made me remember the beauty of it. Being confronted by "rational Atheists" forced me to recall that not all things can be explained (contrary to what they may want to "believe"), and that what can be can be, and what can not can not be. Being confronted by "haters" from other religions, reminded me the tolerant beauty of my faith.

Throughout this time I met many interesting people. Most are just passer-bys in my life. I don't mean to be mean, but that is just the way it is, and I'm certain to most of them, I am too. This is fine. I have no problem with that. There are a few people though that I wouldn't mind someday actually meeting. Not many mind you, but a few. Than there is one person who I truly felt like was my "friend".

I'm a bit of a paradox. I am innately shy in that I do not like to talk to people. I guess shy isn't the proper word, cause I'm far from shy. Maybe "secure" is the better term. When I go to a party, I do not actively talk to people. I do not like superficiality and networking and glad-handing are not my thing. Some people are very good at it. To me it's being fake. I have no interest in being friends with someone who I don't want to be friends with. I am very picky about my choices, and when I choose I put all my love into them. And I have a whole lot of love inside me. Sometimes even I forget that. lol

But I'm rambling, my point is that I take friendship seriously, and in taking it seriously, I feel it is wrong to take non-friendship human contact seriously. The few I choose must reach certain criterion, the first and foremost is that they must be strong people. I have no tolerance for the weak. If you need me to make you feel better about yourself, and can not make up your mind and stick with it, than I'm not interested in you. I'm not suggesting close-mindedness, what I am saying is I like strong-willed human beings who in their strength are also open-minded and tolerant.

On R&P I have met some very strange individuals. I have been told to my proverbial face by a few that I will go to Hell because I am not a Christian. Nice, thank you, I appreciate your love. At least you are bold and honest with me. I much rather respect that and them than the ones who try to be "my friends". There is this one girl on R&P (GreenDay some crap) who always sees me and tries to befriend me. In befriending me she then slowly starts to bring up Jesus. I have noted her habit numerous times, and well....its dang funny. I absolutely love messing with her. Such bullshit of course reminds me of Milton's famous line in Samson Agonistes: "Samson learned to disseminate". The Muslim term Taqiyah comes to mind as well.

Love and Hate are the same thing, I don't think most people recognize and/or understand this. It is about Passion/Desire and Attachment. Love is when one attaches onto something and then fuels ones passion/desire and channels it to the attached. Hate is the same thing. It is built on attachment as well, but is fueled and channeled at that which is deemed a hindrance to such attachment. I love the Mets. This is my choice as I'm a big Baseball fan, and I grew up on Long Island. To wit, I hate the Braves, as they are a hindrance to the success of my love. The passion/desire, and attachment have not changed, the desired outcome has not changed, all that is different is my action and reaction to that which either helps or hinders my desire.

But again, I'm rambling. As I was saying I have met a few people who I find/deem worthy of friendship if things had/do work right. To name but a few, Martin, Ms. Nomer, Lance, Ulla (ah, someday maybe we will run into each other lol) and of course DC.

It's not that I don't recognize the innate beauty of others, even the Terrorista who thinks I am going to go to Hell. I have no doubt she is far from the "demon-monster" that she must think I am, but to me friendship is about understanding other people. Sometimes you have to stand behind them, and sometimes you have to be steadfast in front of their charge. Sometimes you have to believe in them, even when you think they are making a mistake. Sometimes you have to disbelieve them because you know they are. Like I said, I take my relationships seriously, and I only have room in my life for those who I think are "strong enough" to withstand "My Love" (wow, the day arrived that I just quoted a Justin Timberlake song...it really must be a new day for me! lol). I have no interest in weak people and I have no interest in close-minded people, which to me is the biggest form (intolerance) of weakness (not to say there should be "no limits" of course).

Of all the people I met, there is only one person I truly would have loved to be friends with. The few I named I would love to meet, and be friends, but there is only one person I really truly felt like was my close friend. We both joined the R&P at about the same time, but from apparently very different backgrounds. She came in like a lion, and terrorized most people. I loved it. I love strong people, and this is most certainly true about women too. I do NOT like submissive women. I once dated a girl who would only want to do what I wanted all the time. I felt like Eddie Murphy in "Coming to America" when he meets the Princess he's supposed to marry. It disgusted me, and well, to say it ended as a mess would be an understatement. But as I was saying, I am a patient human being. As impatient as I have become in recent times, I am still an innately patient human being. I am kind, and am capable of being very gentle. I guess to make a long story short, after 2 months I made a friend. Someone who I found to be brilliant (especially for her age), and someone who I found strong, and open-minded (even to the point where when I would tease and act adamant and act intolerant and she would try to correct me, even chide me sometimes with her ability to torment and take-down people. lol)

But life is a journey. I know that has become cliche but it is, so I don't care if it sounds odd to use it now. Our paths met, we interacted, and now it appears that our paths are departing. How funny is life? I don't think most people (myself included most of the time) really realize how serendipitous our interactions are. Those who meet, why do they meet (assuming there is any reason at all!)? Should we draw symbolism/inspiration from such meetings? Is it just grand illusion to do so? Even if it is, is it really wrong if it helps you be productive? Is that what life really is just about: productivity? I'm sure the Capitalists would all "love" it if we believed that, and "hate" it if we didn't. lol

So now she has come and she has gone. Whether she likes it or not, she has a friend in New York. As I said before, I choose carefully, but when I choose I take it seriously. I don't believe in Astrology, but I must say it could be the Taurus in me: stubborn, spiritual, loyal, and secular.

I do believe we can always draw inspiration from all things. As Wilders' Willie Wonka says (quoting Arthur O'Shaunnecy of course): "We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of our dreams". So if this is a dream, than I will draw from it whatever I want.

The year 2006 was possibly the most unfruitful year of my life. Funny how it followed 2005 where everything always seemed to come out right even if it were just by accident. So far 2007 has been so very intriguing to me. I already came in wanting to change things, and needing an impetus to do so. A friend of mine has recently lost a friend, so I don't want to make light of the situation, but I feel like I have lost a friend. So I'm reminded of some of the last words she has said to me, that I need to move forward. I'm also reminded of her drive, how a 20 year old girl can live alone, and have to raise herself with not much help. I am reminded of her passion, her drive, and her guts. In short, I am reminded of me. How I can be, How I was, and How I want to be again. She is in so many ways me. The good and the bad. The self-righteous prick I can be sometimes, and the tolerant, caring and understanding person I can be. The uber-spiritual person I am, and the absolutely irreverent person I can be sometimes. The Loner that I like to be sometimes (sometimes I just don't want to be disturbed so I can be with myself), and the gregarious, corny lunatic I can be sometimes too. I'm not sure she recognized it, but I did very early on. We are very similar people. The major difference between us? She is alone, and driven. I have for too long been lulled to sleep by my security. I am the Hare who fell asleep by the side of the road. She is dashing madly forward. Someday she might realize what she missed along the way, but sweet victory will be hers (I hope), and then maybe she will walk back on the trail and see what she passed by, so we can all enjoy in her victory.

But anyways, so here is to friends who have come and gone. Here is to the friends and family who support me, even though (and especially) when I'm difficult to deal with: when I'm too coarse because I don't like sugar-coating things, when I'm being selfish because I don't know any better, when I just insist on showing my love because it is the one thing I know how to ever do. And here is to 2007. I don't know what it will bring, but I know what it has taken away so far. The more important question though is: what have I taken away so far? It's time this Hare shakes off the sleep in my eyes and starts sprinting again. It may be too late to win 1st place, but I too deserve a time in the winners' circle. It is now once again what I want, and now is the time to finally do it. If someday I do taste sweet success, I will most certainly remember my friends...even those who may (hopefully not) have long gone and forgotten me. :)